Old Flames

I've been reading a lot lately, which I rather enjoy, but it kind of upsets me at the same time. Anyway, I should explain further. This book I'm reading now is called 'The Pretty One'. It's about this girl who is a bit bigger than most, and who is extremely uncomfortable with the way she looks, claiming she has a huge nose and untamed eyebrows that she can't control. She feels that she is constantly in the shadow of her extremely beautiful sister.

I know how she feels I guess, which is why I can't put the book down, I want to know that everything turns out fine for her, so maybe there will be hope for me. But it's not the feeling ugly and unwanted thing that upsets me, cause even though I tend to feel ugly 95% of the time, my boyfriend tells me differently, and of course that also means that I'm not unwanted. But moving on, it's the talk about crushes and love and all that junk that upsets me.

I have the greatest boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but reading about all this makes me remember my first and last crush, my first kiss, all the firsts that come with a relationship. It just makes me sad. Cause my first actual real kiss was when I was 16 with Josh. And I hate that. I hate that he had to be my first kiss, [I never admitted this to anyone I don't think [maybe Jordan]] when I actually wanted Mitchell to be my first kiss. I often wonder what would of happened if he had been, and what would of happened if I hadn't fallen for Josh, would things be a lot different? I have no idea. I also wonder about Taylor from time to time. If he hadn't of moved, would I still feel the same?

I've had many talks with many different people about love and relationships and crushes and all that. And it definitely makes me think. I have this one friend who talks about this guy like he's the best thing in the world. And how he's the only one who actually cares and how he's the only one she feels she can talk to. And It's made me realize; thats because you choose to let him be that guy. You choose who you let get close, you choose who you give your heart to. And that's what it was like for me with Josh. I felt that he was the only guy I could talk to, the only guy that seemed to be there for me. But that's because he was the only guy I told things to, the only guy I let be there for me. Even though I had Mitchell at the time, I chose not tell him what was going on in my life, so he couldn't be there for me. And I wish I realized that sooner .. I wish I could make her/them/him realize that now.

It seems I have ranted enough now, and I am eager to get back to my book, so I will do that now. I will end this simply with ily <3